The Cult of Pure Banality

Atop a Flimsy Pedestal

2008-09-21T21:40:00.003-05:00

The other day, I was reading a women's dating blog. The posts consisted of advice on what guys to date or ditch, how to deal with getting dumped, and whether bitching to your girlfriends was good for your relationship. The occasional pearl of wisdom notwithstanding, it was mostly senseless driven and idiocy. The fact that someone had even thought of writing it left me aghast.

And for some reason, I couldn't stop reading it.

Then it occurred to me: I love reading stupid things that make me angry. Other people's stupidity makes me feel great about myself. This is the one and only reason that I have ever participated in a message board; I read someone else's stupidity on the internet, and I feel an insatiable need to tell them how stupid they are.

I am quite certain that this is not a unique quirk to my personality. This is why people become music snobs, wine snobs, book snobs, bowling snobs, football snobs, or anything snobs. We love being smarter than someone about something.

I feel like I had more to write here, but I was just waylaid by the insatiable desire to listen to, and sing along with, "Raspberry Beret" by Prince.

What is this "weblog" you speak of?

2008-08-26T15:12:00.002-05:00

So I blew it.

This blog started with a mission, no, a dream. A dream to save the internet! No, not from pop-up ads, or porn, or even time-traveling demons. No, I came to save it from one thing.

The Antichrist!

And I've failed terribly. Fortunately for all of us, somebody else picked up the slack. Take that, evil!

Looks like I'm off the hook! Now I can devote my time to more important topics, like the deciding whether Brett Favre is the second coming of Jesus, or just the original Jesus, revealed after 2000 years of clever fake mustaches and pairs of gag glasses.

Speaking of unbelievably important events, we should consider ourselves very lucky that we were alive to witness the Beijing Olympics, and most important event in American Olympic history: The finals of the Laid-Backstroke. Aaron Peirsol vs. Ryan Lochte in the all-out battle to determine who's the most free-wheelin', wave-catchin', fun-lovin' dude around. Lochte pulled it out in a close one. Personally, I was shocked at the pace, as I had envisioned something a little more like this.

Come back soon for something a bit more serious. I'm not in a ranting mood right now, as my friend just made cake.

We Are Sieves of Time

2008-02-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

I assume almost everyone has seen the new NBA promotions, with the dramatic freeze frame shots and the classy font popping up everywhere, proclaiming NBA basketball to be everything from an ancient Indian burial ground to the place where babies come from. I must say, they're a tad bit melodramatic (which in itself is sort of a homophonic oxymoron; when was the last time anyone was mellow and dramatic at the same time?) but they work for one reason: the music.

It's a solo piano piece that is quiet, understated and absolutely heart-wrenching. It actually can make you feel, if just for a second, that watching Rasheed and Ben Wallace post up on each other in freeze frame is akin to brothers fighting across the lines of the Civil War. Assuming they wore sweatbands back then, of course.

My roommate and I have discussed this a few times. He, though he is nothing of a basketball fan, was also captivated by the piece. He researched it, and found out it was originally the score behind an artsy viral video that came out a few years ago (Which one, you say? This one.) The video catalogs photographs of one man, every day, for over 6 years. His then-girlfriend composed the piece especially for the video. However, he was such an ass that once the work started receiving critical acclaim, he shoved her out of the spotlight. Hence, then-girlfriend.

My roommate's opinion is that this was totally unjust, as the video is worthless without the music. I finally got around to watching it, and though I do agree that it is not the same without it, the pictures are probably what moved me the most.

The first thing that catches your eye is that despite different locations, lighting or status of bed-head, he frames the photos such that his face, the center of the picture, remains essentially the same. This creates an interesting sort of strobe affect on the background while still giving you something to look at; cool, yes, but hardly moving.

What really gets me, though, is the fact that his face is changing. He's not a child at first, and by no means is he an old man at the end, but after a while, you start to see him weathering. His eyes get darker, he face gets wider, even his generally plain facial express starts to fall. If you skip from the beginning straight to the end, it's even more pronounced. The clip ends with the statement "A Work in Progress", which, to be honest, comes off as really stupid. Still, it's true. Time isn't done with him yet.

In short, the world is continually reminding me that I am only getting older.

Alas.

Interim Blog Post

2008-01-08T00:11:00.000-05:00

I finally have a computer again, in addition to finally having a slightly sunnier disposition. Once I really get some free time in the coming weeks, I'll be all about writing this. For now, I'll ask you this: If I told you that Britney Spears paid photographers to take embarrassing photos of her, would you believe it?

I am a Worthless Hack

2007-10-16T14:57:00.000-05:00

So much for dedication to intellectual discord. I kept telling myself that once I got a job and had taken shots from the bottle of success, I'd be back in the fold, hurling brilliance onto the internet in the name of Jesus Christ. Instead, I've been alternating between fanatical obsession with my new bed and trying to win trivia night again.

It was just brought to my attention that this month culminates with the pinnacle of class and dignity, Halloween. I need to start getting my costume ready, ideally some archaic television icon from my youth. Or maybe a pimp... The problem with living in Brooklyn is that I want to come up with something clever and personally relevant, but at the same time, I need it to be totally ridiculous so I don't like some super-cool douche bag flaunting my obscure pop culture knowledge (I really wish I hadn't given my dad the Bender idea for his Halloween party least year; it's such solid gold, but I refuse to recycle). I could always put a skeleton on a stick, dress in black, try to hide behind stuff and be a Deadite. Wait, that's an awesome idea. Pretend you never read this.

Final thought before my reflection on food: Why does the fact that teams like USF and BC are at the top of the college polls mean something is wrong? Is the point of !College Football! is to make sure that same teams win ever year to ensure successful branding? Ridiculous nonsense.

Thought for Food(R):
I finally started making my own salsa. It's completely delicious, and you can add whatever you want to make it perfect. My basic recipe:

3 plum tomatoes, chopped to preference
1 clove garlic, minced
1 jalepeno, with seeds and white part cleared out to preference (this controls heat) and minced
1/4 to 1/3 cup finely chopped cilantro (I didn't measure)
Chopped bell pepper (red, yellow or orange are my fav) to preference
About a tsp of salt, maybe more if you you think it needs it

Prepare all the ingredients as stated about. Cover the bottom of a small saucepan with water (just to absorb heat, the tomatoes will provide plenty of water) and put it on the stove on low. Dump all the ingredients in and stir occasionally, until the texture pleases you. If it still tastes watery, add salt. Let cool on the stove until you can put it into tupperware without melting it. Should be great by the next day.

Also, Roebling Tea House served me the best pork loin I've had in who knows when.

Joining the Science Faction

2007-05-07T19:02:00.000-05:00

When I was studying in London, I took a class called Religion, Identity and Power. Our final paper assignment was to choose a religion, research it and analyze it using the Secularization Thesis, which states that the role of religion (specifically Christianity) in society is diminishing due to lack of attendance of services and lack of influence of the religious organizations on the rest of the world. In my paper, I chose to analyze Catholicism. After showing that the Catholic Church fit the thesis model perfectly, I went on to explain that the given definition of secularization was flawed. The true role of religion in society is to act as a reflection of the world in order to help people understand and appreciate their role in it. Catholicism's problem was that during the Middle Ages, the Church has come to think of itself as the dictator of people's lives and social roles. This did two things. First, it caused the stagnation of technological and artistic advancement during the period (a.k.a. the Dark Ages). As a man standing in front of a mirror, awaiting the lead of his reflection, we as a species accomplished nothing. Second, it caused us to redefine religion, incorrectly so at that, as the force that drove peoples lives, not the means of their understanding. This was the downfall of the Catholic Church, who failed to adapt when necessary, as well as the key flaw in the Secularization thesis.

Unfortunately for me, I wrote this entire 4500 word paper in about 7 hours the night before, hopped up on rip-off Red Bull. I realized the next day in class, as I was given one minute to explain my argument, that it didn't make much sense, and though I don't know for sure, I think i probably got a C, which is pretty terrible for a grade-inflated study-abroad class.

Still, the sociological model of religion as a method of explanation and appreciation is one in which I take great stock. It accounts for a great many of the major religious events of the last few thousand years (the rest can be explained using a power structure model, but who has the time?). One of the interesting parts of model is that it science very easily fits underneath it's umbrella. Like religion, it provides explanation for the events of the world, as well as a means dealing with dissatisfaction (prayer vs. experimentation, theorization and study). Scientists have often been called heretics through the long age of Christian dominance. Coincidentally, the only others to truly be called heretics are practitioners of other religions (Witchcraft, Agnosticism, Baalism).

If this is true, why didn't science ever beat out Christianity to hit #1 on the charts? As the kids say, IMHO, it's because science is the religion of the elitists. Christianity began as a religion of the poor and destitute. "The meek shall inherit the earth," etc. It was easy for the down trodden bottom class, which coincidentally is basically everyone, to get behind it. To be a Christian, all you have to do is go to church and have someone pour water on your head. Contrarily, to be a scientist, you have to go to school until you're about 26 to get a Ph.D. It's quite complicated and, more importantly, incredibly cold. If some poor high school dropout is down on their luck, wondering "Why am I here?", they could go to a priest and hear about how they're part of God's plan. Or, they could go to an astrophysicist, and hear about how they're the bi-product of an intricate coincidence of planetary composition and location. An evolutionary biologist could tell them about their origins in the primordial ooze and the development of Homo Erectus. How warm and fuzzy.

So science is the new religion, and Christianity is the old one. So what. Once Christianity was the new religion, and Judaism was the old one. They're both still around (despite many attempts by both at some time to eliminate the other). Nothing's for everyone, so we should all choose whichever we want and leave everyone else alone. But as I said, the sociological model is only half the battle. The power structure model is the real problem, but as I'm already up to my ears in word count, all I can say is fuck that bullshit and make me a sandwich.

And all I got was this lousy t-shirt

2007-04-17T01:06:00.000-05:00

So I haven't written a post in over a month. After all the hype, all the build-up in the press, the product failed to deliver. Such is the life of the job hunter. A crunchy anxiety core wrapped in a flaky crust of worthlessness. It'd be much easier if it didn't seem to matter so much to everyone else, because I don't particularly care.

Personally, I'd like to take a few years of just getting some job that I enjoy, isn't too taxing and pays the rent. College was very fun, and a great chance to learn about myself, but after I spent all that time learning, I'd like more of a chance to apply said knowledge than working 50+ hours licking boots in an office will afford me. I don't want to decide my future. I don't want to choose any career. However, plenty of people feel the need to repeatedly remind me that if I don't get the job now I will a. ruin my chances of getting the right job later and b. be a total, complete failure for wasting my degree and all my perfectly profitable skills. People seem to say that 25 is the new 21, or some crap like that, but nobody actually believes it.

As it is, I'm content with being able to afford a few good beers a week and the occasional exotic dining experience. Maybe I'd like enough money to be able to spend relatively care free, but as I've said in the past, everyone wants a job until they've got one.

And for the record, turkey burgers are much better with rosemary and parsley.

Good God! I've been Culturally Assimilated!

2007-03-12T00:38:00.000-05:00

The first few times I visited New York, I was seriously taken aback by most of the people. Everyone was so hip, or stylish, or, well, something. Everyone was very New York, and to be honest, I was not a big fan.

Then I moved here. I figured I would be able to hold my own, maintain the general lifestyle of a normal human being and not have to think about which t-shirt I wear every day. I had confidence in my ability to tread water.

Apparently I give myself far too much credit, because as of this weekend, I work at a vegan restaurant.

That's right, vegan. Mind you, I am not a vegan. However, for lunch today, I had a soy-based chicken-substitute hero. And it was pretty good. I also drank soy chocolate milk. And it was pretty good. Tread water, my ass. I sank like a rock. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go reapply my hair gel before I go to bed.

...I'm gonna live forevaaaaa...

2007-02-27T18:26:00.000-05:00

"I had an epiphany a few years ago where I was out at a celebrity party and it suddenly dawned on me that I had yet to meet a celebrity who is as smart and interesting as any of my friends."
-Moby

It's been a big celebrity period for me. Oscars on Sunday, Tibet House benefit on Monday. I really enjoy seeing the celebrities who eat, sleep and breath their image, art or music, particularly in contrast to those who don't. I watched the pre-Oscars Oprah celebrities-interview-each-other fabstravaganza, or at least part of it, and I found it pretty interesting. George Clooney grills burgers. I grill burgers! OMG! He's just like me!

Seriously though, he seems like a really cool, down-to-earth guy. This seems to be considerably easier for actors than any other celebrity (which makes it all the more annoying when actors completely lose their minds). It seems like musicians and artists really need to sell themselves and their work a lot more thoroughly. It makes sense, because to pull off some of the things that they pull off, you really need to believe in yourself. Who's going to like your lyrics or your painting if you yourself express uncertainty as to whether it's any good? Who's going to give you a chance if you can't even say your own band name with a straight face? "Hey, I guess we're Platonic Sasquatch." Is that really any weirder than Pearl Jam?

And the thing is, the longer these people stay famous, the more capable they are of convincing themselves, and thus everyone else, that totally ridiculous things are cool. I saw Sonic Youth play a few years ago. Ironically, I think they're now all over 50, and have been doing this for almost 30 years. After every other song, they'd all just start squealing their guitars and making feedback. To be honest, it approached being unbearable. But I didn't leave. I didn't boo. All I did was plug my ears, mutter something to myself and wait for the next song. And that was probably the most negative reaction they got in the whole room. Some people actually enjoyed it. If you walked into a bar and a band you'd never seen before was doing the exact same thing, they'd be hard pressed not to get nailed in the face with a full can of beer.

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. "
- Henry Kissinger

The moral of the story is that we can convince ourselves that anything is good. When I was in college, sorority girls used to walk around during the winter dressed like my grandmother, which is ridiculous. But they thought they looked hot, and thus, so did everyone else. I personally enjoy wearing two different colors and styles of plaid, one over another. Aesthetically, it's terrible, but I kinda like it. So in summation, I am exactly what I'm ranting about. Go figure.

What I ate while I was writing this: Grilled roast beef melt. A little deli roast beef, sliced up into little pieces, some red onion and chunks of cheddar, tossed on a hot skillet until warm and melted. Covered the bread with some horseradish and a dash of BBQ. Delish.

Where the eagles fly, over mountains high...

2007-02-22T02:13:00.000-05:00

The subtleties of life abound. The next time you interact with someone of the opposite sex, keep track of a few things. First, your tone of voice. Are you speaking lower than you would usually? Higher? Softer? Second, the way you carry yourself, or more importantly, the way everyone else carries themselves. This is pretty easy if you're still in school or take public transportation. Look at the girls, look at the guys. What do you see? The subtle differences speak volumes.

When I was about 10 years old, I thought the 80's was to music what the weight room is to Bobby Fischer: a total waste of time. At the ripe old age of 22, I've realized that I was a total idiot. Prince was awesome. The Fine Young Cannibals were awesome. Hall and Oates were beyond terrible, but that's ok, because INXS was bitchin'. Not only that, many pictures of me in tiny shorts originated in the 80's. Overall, I'd give that decade a solid B/B+ (Would be at least an A-, but seriously, Hall and Oates were fucking terrible).

What I ate while I wrote this: Nothing, because I just had a shawarma. Quite possibly the world's greatest drunk food. Shaved lamb with lettuce, tomato and onion with plenty of garlic and chili sauces. Totally delicious, combined with a residual freshness in your mouth. It's like brushing your teeth with a burrito.

You're all screwed

2007-02-21T00:26:00.000-05:00

Get your buckets ready, folks. In these frigid times, the plumbing of my mind has burst forth mental sewage onto the internet and straight into your homes. Inspired by capitalist propaganda and radical lunacy, I'm here to present you with some good-old-fashioned, totally useless drivel. The kind you used to get from your drunk friend at 3am in college when he decided it was time to "have a serious talk", because that's who I am: your drunk friend.

I'd like to start by telling you all how much I relish the opportunity for us to have a little "me" time together, because that's what it is. Sure, you can write some comments telling me how truly fascinating I am, or how you'd rather I not reveal your full name, phone number and address on the internet, but that doesn't mean I'm going to read any of them. Keep doing it though, because it'll look very impressive to everyone else.

Somebody recently recited a quote from Shawshank Redeption: "How often do you really look at a man's shoes?" Well, personally, I look at peoples shoes a lot, and in New York, most people's shoes are incredibly stupid. I don't mean ugly or too stylized, I mean illogical and stupid. I walked through the streets a week or so ago in the snow. There was a lot of snow, and it had been snowing all day, long before anyone had left their house (i.e. made their shoe decision for the day). What I saw was dozens of people wearing heals and low-cut Euro-style sneakers. One girl was leaning on her boyfriend because she was wearing high-healed boots and trying to walk on an unshoveled sidewalk. How many times have you ever seen a girl wearing Uggs and thought to yourself, "Now that girl is thinkin'." I'm losing my mind.

Food I Ate While I Wrote This:
(I hope to make this a continuous blog feature. I most likely will be writing these between the hours of midnight and 4am. I tend to do a lot of eating during that same period and more often than not, it's some very strange eating, so here it goes.)
Impromptu spinach dip: Sortof an epiphany, very simple. Get out equal volumes (approximately) of frozen spinach (pre-wilted!) and sharp cheddar cheese. Put the spinach in a bowl, cover with water (just barely) and microwave for about 30 seconds, just enough to thaw the spinach. Drain. Toss in the cheese on top, and maybe a little red wine vinegar to taste. Microwave on low for 30 seconds to soften the cheese, stir together and microwave until it all looks melted. Stir, eat with chips.
Drink: I double fisted black tea and orange soda.